And the winner (by TKO) of the Too-Ridiculous-to-Respond Contest is....

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(Long drumroll...)

This gem from Mofast:

All right, this letter probably couldn't actually be sent, however it seems the logical way to do it. I'm guessing I won't be the only one who tries in this style, but here goes:

My Dearest Gschwandtner,

I do wonder what Slubgob is teaching these days. I must say that I am not entirely encouraged by your latest attempt at spreading discord among the humans (the disgusting bipeds). Are you really chasing down occurrences of the term “selling power” through internet searches, and then threatening blogs? Did you really fail to notice that usage you questioned was a citation from a book published in 1942, well before you even had the idea for your magazine? That despicable book, “The Screwtape Letters,” is horrible enough without you drawing attention to it with pointless, threatening letters. What is your plan, bringing that detestable Mr. Lewis back from his resting place secure in our enemy’s territory? Oh, if only that were possible!

Need I remind you of the risks of litigation that necessarily go along with the possible benefits (of which you do not seem capable of seeing beyond)? While it is true that some great work has been done in the name of our Father below by twisting the cursed humans’ legal systems, many times it is the more subtle approaches that bear more fruit with less risk in the long term. You must remember that in pressing litigation there is always the chance that justice and some order would actually be brought about. In this case, in pursuing this ill conceived threat (which has no legal basis, mind you) you are actually bringing to light how silly your whole pursuit has become. Who knows, perhaps some human will read your letter and laugh a bit and become aware of some of the actual injustices within their systems that we have been trying so hard to conceal. You may undermine much hard work with such a foolhardy act.

Your next move should be clear to all but the densest junior businessman. Build off of the centuries of work done by our philological department in regards to the term “power.” In a capitalistic society, it is certainly wise to connect it with selling, yes. But, if need be, connect it with dominance, or with some form of fashion or style or some other transient quality of which we exert great influence. Whatever you do, avoid any thought that would lead the patient to consider power in terms of the enemy.

Finally, Gschwandtner, need you be reminded that true power does not come from selling, but rather in consuming?

I hope to see you soon.

Your Affectionate Uncle,
Raffi

Couldn't have said it better myself. And yes, the letter was actually sent (don't worry, Mofast, I sent it in my own name).

Thanks to everyone who participated. Hope to see you back the next time I come up with a hair-brained contest.

Grace and Peace,
I mean...Your Affectionate Uncle,
Raffi

Wanna win a 1-year subscription to a pretty cool magazine?

Then keep reading.

My allegiance to Jesus notwithstanding, I gotta be honest: sometimes I just don't like people.

I received the following comment in response to something I posted last week called Screwtape on Election Year Issues: God Bless Democracy?

Dear Mr. Shahinian:

I just ran across an article you wrote for Parables of a Prodigal World entitled Screwtape on Election Year Issues: God Bless Democracy, posted on September 13, 2008, http://www.parablesofaprodigalworld.com/2008/09/screwtape-on-election-year-issues-god.html, and I would like to raise an issue that is of concern to Selling Power magazine, which is the use of our trademark.

The word "Selling Power" is sometimes erroneously used as a synonym for sales effectiveness. For example, your article states: “You are to use the word purely as an incantation; if you like, purely for its selling power.” We do not condone such uses of our trademark. As a practical matter, when you describe sales effectiveness, there are a wide range of terms available such as: sales excellence, sales savvy, sales mastery, sales acumen, sales efficiency, and many more.

The reason for this letter is to educate writers like yourself that we want to protect our trademark, since we don't want to risk Selling Power being declared by the courts a generic word. Therefore we ask you not to use Selling Power as a phrase since it is our legal trademark. We would like to receive a written acknowledgment of this letter stating that you will in the future identify Selling Power as a trademark if you should write about our magazine, and not use Selling Power as a phrase. If we do not hear from you, we will need to take further action.

Thank you for your understanding and cooperation.

All the best,

Gerhard Gschwandtner
Founder and Publisher Selling Power
1140 International Parkway
Fredericksburg VA 22406
Office: 540-752-7000 Cell: 540-273-2555

If you haven't caught on yet (and if you haven't, maybe this isn't the contest for you), the phrase in question is a quote from C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters^TM, published in 1942.

So here's the contest. Whoever writes the best response (judged by me) to Mr. Gschwandtner^TM wins a one-year subscription to Selling Power^TM Magazine!

Just kidding. I actually want people to participate.

The winner receives a one-year subscription to Relevant Magazine, a pretty darn good periodical.

Here are the rules:

Responses must be posted in the Comments section of this post, and must be received by midnight, Monday the 29th. Doesn't have to be a long response, but it must be dripping with sarcasm. Please keep it civil, though. I'll switch to "Moderate Comments"^TM this week so nobody can see the responses until the contest ends.

That's it.

Good Luck.

Grace and Peace,^TM
Raffi