And the winner (by TKO) of the Too-Ridiculous-to-Respond Contest is....

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This gem from Mofast:

All right, this letter probably couldn't actually be sent, however it seems the logical way to do it. I'm guessing I won't be the only one who tries in this style, but here goes:

My Dearest Gschwandtner,

I do wonder what Slubgob is teaching these days. I must say that I am not entirely encouraged by your latest attempt at spreading discord among the humans (the disgusting bipeds). Are you really chasing down occurrences of the term “selling power” through internet searches, and then threatening blogs? Did you really fail to notice that usage you questioned was a citation from a book published in 1942, well before you even had the idea for your magazine? That despicable book, “The Screwtape Letters,” is horrible enough without you drawing attention to it with pointless, threatening letters. What is your plan, bringing that detestable Mr. Lewis back from his resting place secure in our enemy’s territory? Oh, if only that were possible!

Need I remind you of the risks of litigation that necessarily go along with the possible benefits (of which you do not seem capable of seeing beyond)? While it is true that some great work has been done in the name of our Father below by twisting the cursed humans’ legal systems, many times it is the more subtle approaches that bear more fruit with less risk in the long term. You must remember that in pressing litigation there is always the chance that justice and some order would actually be brought about. In this case, in pursuing this ill conceived threat (which has no legal basis, mind you) you are actually bringing to light how silly your whole pursuit has become. Who knows, perhaps some human will read your letter and laugh a bit and become aware of some of the actual injustices within their systems that we have been trying so hard to conceal. You may undermine much hard work with such a foolhardy act.

Your next move should be clear to all but the densest junior businessman. Build off of the centuries of work done by our philological department in regards to the term “power.” In a capitalistic society, it is certainly wise to connect it with selling, yes. But, if need be, connect it with dominance, or with some form of fashion or style or some other transient quality of which we exert great influence. Whatever you do, avoid any thought that would lead the patient to consider power in terms of the enemy.

Finally, Gschwandtner, need you be reminded that true power does not come from selling, but rather in consuming?

I hope to see you soon.

Your Affectionate Uncle,
Raffi

Couldn't have said it better myself. And yes, the letter was actually sent (don't worry, Mofast, I sent it in my own name).

Thanks to everyone who participated. Hope to see you back the next time I come up with a hair-brained contest.

Grace and Peace,
I mean...Your Affectionate Uncle,
Raffi