What You'll Find...


An Ongoing Discussion about Christ and Culture in a Post-Postmodern Context.
or
Resurrection-Shaped Stories from the Emmaus Road.

What They're Saying...

(about the book)
"A remarkable book. Raffi's is a dramatic and powerful story and I am privileged to have been part of it."
- N.T. Wright

(about the blog)
"Raffi gets it."
- Michael Spencer, a.k.a. The Internet Monk

Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

The Greatest Scantron Sheet of All Time (w/ Professor's Comments)

In the tradition of The Greatest Book Review of All Time and The Best Customer Complaint Letter of All Time, I now bring to your attention what is by far, hands-down, the greatest exam scantron sheet (w/ professor's comments) ever. EVER!




Grace and Peace,
Raffi


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Friday is for Fried Brain Cells: The 911 Edition




The human brain is a gift from God. Failure to use it, therefore, is a sin.

Here's this week's most egregious sinner...




Grace and Peace,
Raffi


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Re-Post: Jesus' Twitter Updates, Holy Week, 30 A.D.

Haven't prepared much for Holy Week. Been busy working out the details of a scheme I'm hatching involving Twitter, Easter and euangelion. Check back tomorrow for the details.

Meanwhile, enjoy this PPW classic from last year....


[TRIVIA NOTE: The 140-character limit was imposed later, c. 57 A.D., in response to the uproar caused by St. Paul's ridiculously long tweets.]



lord&savior
Just freaked Mary out. That was WAY COOL!! Which way to Emmaus from here? 3 minutes ago from twitteriffic.

lord&savior I'm baa-aaaaack!!! Sorry for the lack of updates...I was, well, out of commission for a while. Wow, everything's different now. Everything's...new. 14 minutes ago from twitteriffic.

lord&savior It is finished. 3:04 PM, April 15, 30 from twitteriffic.

lord&savior I said Eloi, not Elijah! I give up. These guys'll never get it. 2:56 PM, April 15, 30 from twitteriffic.

lord&savior I kinda like this guy on the right. 1:23 PM, April 15, 30 from twitteriffic.

lord&savior AAAAAARRRGGHHHH!!! AAAAAAARRRGGGGHHH!! FATHER, FORG...AAAAAARRRGHHH!!!...FATHER, FORGIVE...AAAAAARRRGGGHHH...FORGIVE THEM!!!!....AAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH!! 9:11 am, April 15, 30 from twitteriffic.

lord&savior Maybe now they'll figure out I was wasn't kidding when I said they had to carry a cross. 8:22 AM, April 15, 30 from twitteriffic.

lord&savior Dude, did they just say "no king but Caesar." Wasn't it supposed to be "no king but Yahweh?" Sad, man, just sad. 7:47 AM, April 15, 30 from twitteriffic.

lord&savior Pilate just tried to get all philosophical on me. He don't know who he's tangling with. I am the truth. 7:27 AM, April 15, 30 from twitteriffic.

lord&savior Just finished up with Herod and the gang. Like there was any doubt how that verdict was gonna go. Talk about a kangaroo court. 7:02 AM, April 15, 30 from twitteriffic.

lord&savior Just heard the cock crowing outside. Ha! Peter's gonna trip! 5:43 AM, April 15, 30 from twitteriffic.

lord&savior Just told Caiaphas I was the Messiah. Didn't go over too well. Well, it's either true or it's blasphemous. Guess which one Cai picked. 4:12 AM, April 15, 30 from twitteriffic.

lord&savior Ever been stabbed in the back by a good friend? I mean really betrayed, you know? I knew this was coming, but it still hurts like something aweful. Then Peter goes and cuts that dude's ear off. Having a tough night. I got a feeling it's gonna get worse before it gets better. 1:38 AM, April 15, 30 from twitteriffic.

lord&savior I'm shaking in my boots here...spiritual battles like you've never seen...and my boys keep falling asleep. Man, when are they gonna start to get it? 11:43 PM, April 14, 30 from twitteriffic.

lord&savior Getting ready for dinner with the boys. I wonder how I'm gonna tell 'em? It's gotta be something symbolic, something trippy, something that'll leave 'em guessing for now but'll come rushing back to make sense when all is said and done. I don't know. It'll probably come to me when we're digging in to the bread and the wine. Bread and wine...Bread and wine...Wait a minute...! 5:43 PM, April 14, 30 from twitteriffic.

lord&savior Just went off on the head honchos. Called them a bunch of hypocrites and snakes. If the temple thing didn't do it, that one sure did. 2:10 PM, April 13, 30 from twitteriffic.

lord&savior Judas is up to something. I can just feel it. Something always bugged me about that guy. Love him, though. 11:39 AM, April 12, 30 from twitteriffic.

lord&savior It's all about love, people! Everything else, all the Law and the Prophets...just footnotes! 10:51 AM, April 12, 30 from twitteriffic.

lord&savior Kind of lost it this morning at the temple. Head honchos not too pleased. I gotta think of a way to bookend this thing so they don't think I'm just some revolutionary wacko. Maybe at the Passover meal later this week. Gotta think about it. 11:41 AM, April 11, 30 from twitteriffic.

lord&savior Finally made it to the big city. Big week ahead. They gave me a nice welcome, palm branches and all. I don't think they get it. Oh, Abba, if they only knew the things that made for peace... 7:53 AM, April 11, 30 from twitteriffic.


Related Posts:

Jesus of Nazareth: 25 Things About Me


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Evangelical Mice




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Christian Love, Typically



Grace and Peace,
Raffi


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Friday is for Fried Brain Cells: The Apologetics Edition

The human brain is a gift from God. Failure to use it, therefore, is a sin.

Here's this week's most egregious sinner...but he's saved, so no harm done.

...And don't miss Kirk's .5 second response at the end. It's classic.



Grace and Peace,
Raffi


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No More Bacon?!!!

I never much bought into the rapture theology of the "Left Behind" sect, and that was true simply on exegetical/hermeneutical grounds.

But the implications!...Oh, the implications!!...



No mo' bacon?!?! Why the hell would I even want to be there?

And she might be singing and all, but I get the sense that the young woman in the video is with me on this one. Check it out one more time if you don't believe me.

Grace and Peace,
Raffi


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Friday is for Fried Brain Cells: The Labor Edition


The human brain is a gift from God. Failure to use it, therefore, is a sin.

Here are this week's most egregious sinners...on the job.










Grace and Peace,
Raffi


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Friday is for Fried Brain Cells: The Armageddon Edition

The human brain is a gift from God. Failure to use it, therefore, is a sin.

Here are this week's two most egregious sinners...in one clip.





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Jesus: 25 Things About Me

I couldn't resist. That whole "25 Things" meme was just too cool.

So I revealed My own list of "25 Things About Me" to one of My favorite disciples, Raffi Shahinian, and asked him to post it on his blog.

As he always does, Raffi heard My Words and obeyed faithfully.

So, in no particular order...

1. I love karaoke.

2. No, My parables were not meant to be reduced to propositional statements. If I wanted to express Myself in propositional statements, I think I could have done that.

3. Yes, I fully realize that the guests at the wedding at Cana were already drunk. That's not the point.

4. Favorite condiment: Mustard.

5. Those things I said about money and carrying crosses, those weren't metaphors.

6. Favorite food: figs. You don't wanna see me around a barren fig tree. It's not pretty.

7. What in My Father's name did I ever do or say that led you to believe I wanted you to gather in a building one day a week for a few hours and conduct rituals in My name?

8. I love you all, but that Paris Hilton chick really gets on my last nerves.

9. Yeah, that thing you sensed that one time you did that really awful thing to that buddy of yours, that was Me.

10. Trust me on this one. You don't fully get me.

11. I'm not too pleased with you Americans.

12. Let me say it again. Listen closely this time...ALL authority in heaven and on earth has been given to ME. Not SOME authority, and not to anything/anybody else. Get it?

13. Favorite wine: 26 A.D. Herod Vineyards Pinot Noir, Galilee Coast

14. Best piece of advice: Don't believe everything you read about Me.

15. Favorite Christian of all time: Mohandas Gandhi.

16. John really did pick 7 of My best pieces of work.

17. I weep, I hunger, I feel pain, and joy.

18. This might surprise you, but I'm not a big theology buff.

19. Second best piece of advice: Wanna learn to be more like Me? Hang around smart people do-gooders priests children.

20. You should see some of the stuff Paul wrote that never made it into The Book. Love that guy, but he sure had some issues.

21. Wanna know what's its like trying to communicate with you guys? Well, imagine trying to explain microeconomics to a 5-year old. Now multiply that by 70 times 7.

22. Saying I wish I'd thought of: "God loves you. Everyone else has a wonderful plan for your life."

23. I can't believe so many people missed the point of that "Render unto Caesar" thing. I thought it was obvious, but, oh well...NOTHING WORTH ANYTHING BELONGS TO CAESAR...DUH!!

24. Yeah, that thing you sensed that one time you did that really beautiful, loving, self-sacrificial thing to that stranger, that was Me.

25. Did I mention how much I love karaoke?

Grace and Peace,
Jesus
c/o Raffi


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Friday is for Fried Brain Cells


New weekly series here at Parables.

Maybe.

The human brain is a gift from God. Failure to use it, therefore, is a sin.

Here are this week's most egregious sinners...





Use your gifts, people!

Grace and Peace,
Raffi


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Providential Advertising?



Grace and Peace,
Raffi



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Jack Black Meets Cain and Abel

Gotta be honest. Can't wait for The Year One.



Grace and Peace,
Raffi


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I Gotta Get Me One of These...


Only $16.00. Well worth it, I think.

Order your's here.

Grace and Peace,
Raffi



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The Best Customer Complaint Letter of All Time


A big, fat HT to Telegraph.co.uk for this one.

In the tradition of The Greatest Book Review of All Time, I now bring to your attention what is by far, hands-down, the best customer complaint of all time. It was an email sent to Sir Richard Branson, owner of Virgin Atlantic Airways, by an unnamed comedy genius.

I was in tears. Hope you enjoy it as much.

Dear Mr Branson:

REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite
a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest
incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand
rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was
subjected to at the hands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it: [link to image 1].

I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were
racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given
it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which
one is the desert?

You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a
generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted
the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s
next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue
hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they.
Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with
peas in: [link to image 2].

I know it looks like a baaji but it’s in custard Richard, custard. It must be
the pudding. Well you’ll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It
was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It’s only redeeming feature was that
it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the
curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter.
Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.

Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly
by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course,
a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the
tin-foil on the main dish and see what’s on offer.

I’ll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy
Richard. Now imagine it’s Christmas morning and you’re sat their with your
final present to open. It’s a big one, and you know what it is. It’s that
Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it’s not in there. It’s your hamster Richard.
It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing. That’s how I felt when
I peeled back the foil and saw this: [link to image 3].

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s more of that Baaji
custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It’s mustard Richard.
MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we
have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on
the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had
obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass
the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of
mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.

By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a
sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye
earlier due to it’s baffling presentation: [link to image 4].

It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST
BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie,
purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You
certainly wouldn’t want to be caught carrying one of these through customs.
Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the
teeth than the specimen above.

I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with
that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved
at one point.

Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard
entertainment. I switched it on: [link to image 5].

I apologize for the quality of the photo, it’s just it was incredibly hard to
capture Boris Johnson’s face through the flickering white lines running up
and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel: [link to
image 6
].

Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again
throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this.
After that I switched off. I’d had enough. I was the hungriest I’d been in
my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling
screen.

My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either
food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it
surpassed my wildest expectations: [link to image 7].

Yes! It’s another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white
stuff.

Richard…. What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt.
It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture
between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first
week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing
vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I’d done it
loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a
cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.

So that was that Richard. I didn’t eat a bloody thing. My only question is:
How can you live like this? I can’t imagine what dinner round your house is
like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.

As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It’s just a shame such
a simple thing could bring it crashing to it’s knees and begging for
sustenance.

Yours Sincererly
XXXX

Grace and Peace, Richard!
Raffi


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A Language Lesson for Post-Racial America

OK, so in honor of Tuesday's official launch of Post-Racial/Post-Ethnic America, here are seven words we use every day that actually started life as racial/ethnic slurs.

If you're gonna be part of PR/PE America, you gotta know this stuff.

#7. Hooligan

How it's Used: "I was nearly killed on my drive home by a group of hooligans playing paintball on the interstate."

What You're Actually Saying: "I was nearly killed on my drive home by a group of dirty Irish drunkards playing paintball on the interstate."

Wait...What?: The earliest use of the word "hooligan" dates back to British newspaper and police reports in the summer of 1898. They seem to have adapted the word from the Houlihan family, a group of Irish immigrants living in London. The family became known for their hilarious drinking songs, jigs and the enthusiastic police brutality that tended to ensue.


#6. Vandal

How it's Used: "Some vandals tagged the wall behind the local high school."

What You're Actually Saying: "A horde of dirty godless Germans tagged the wall behind the local high school."

Wait...What?: Those of you who managed to stay awake during Western Civ. class will recall that the Vandals were one of the Germanic tribes that sacked Rome. They weren't any more or less destructive than any of the other tribes that peeved Rome, but they still have the distinction of lending their name to toilet-paper-hurling morons from now to eternity.


#5. Hip Hip Hooray!

How it's Used: "We won the little league game! Hip hip hooray!"

What You're Actually Saying: "We won the little league game! Let's go kill some Jews!"

Wait...What?: The first half of "hip hip hooray" is adapted from "hep hep," an old German shepherds' herding cry. That is, actual shepherds from Germany. Not the dogs.

Sounds pretty innocuous, right? Well, it was, up until around 1819, when the citizens of Germany and other neighboring countries began using it as their rallying cry while going Hebrew-hunting in the Jewish ghettos. So keep that in mind next time you're trying to come up with an appropriate cheer at your friend's kid's Bar Mitzvah.


#4. Barbarian

How it's Used: "That guy's so rude to his wife. He's a real barbarian!"

What You're Actually Saying: "That guy's so rude to his wife. He's a real stupid jabbering foreigner."

Wait...What?: Let's revisit that Western Civ. class again. Your teacher probably made a big deal out of the great Ancient Greek advances in politics, philosophy, architecture and so on. But she left out one crucial point: For a society that made such a big deal out of hubris, those guys could be really arrogant.

Case in point: They thought that Greek wasn't just the best language, it was the only language that made any sense at all. All other languages just sounded like people saying "bar bar bar bar." Thus the word "barbarian," or someone who speaks the retarded monkey language that Greeks associated with every other nation on Earth.


#3. Bugger

How it's Used: "The dog peed on the carpet again, that little bugger!"

What You're Actually Saying: "The dog peed on my leg again, that little Bulgarian homosexual!"

Wait...What?: Believe it or not, the Catholic Church was once really intolerant of other religions. The word "bugger" stems from "Bulgarian," or someone from Bulgaria, but medieval Catholics used it as a catch-all term for all members of the Eastern Orthodox Church. Members of that church were considered heretics, and heresy is, of course, a slippery slope to sodomy. An awful, gross, terrible, slippery slope.

But that was the belief. Catholics at the time honestly thought that if your beliefs deviated even slightly from theirs, it followed that you were engaging in all sorts of perverse sexual acts.


#2. Cannibal

How it's Used: "Let's say a cannibal eats a Christian, and then converts to Christianity..."

What You're Actually Saying: "Let's say a person from the West Indies eats a Christian, and then converts to Christianity..."

Wait...What?: Picture this: You're a member of one of the indigenous tribes of the West Indies. Every day you wake up under the warm Caribbean sun, do a hard day's work and then chill out on the beach and watch the sun set. The weather is always beautiful, and life is good. Then, one day, some crazy Italian dude hops off a boat with his muskets and accuses you all of cannibalism.

Well, now you know what it's like to be a member of the Carib people. Much like the Vandals, the Caribs got stuck with an unfortunate label that bares little relation to reality.


#1. Gyp

How it's Used: "Man, five dollars for a candy bar? What a gyp!"

What You're Actually Saying: "Man, five dollars for a candy bar? You're a filthy Eastern European immigrant."

Wait...What?: Gyp is thought to be short for "Gypsy." And long before that term meant a group of odd people who roam the countryside running scams, it was an ethnic slur for the Romany people who immigrated from Eastern Europe. The term "Gypsy" evolved from the habit of calling the people Egyptians, because they sort of looked Egyptian and the locals were apparently too shy to ask the people where they were actually from.

The point is the negative meaning of the word started centuries ago, and even now plays off the common stereotype of Gypsies as sneaky, thieving con artists. At least they don't break all your stuff like the Vandals, though. Jerks.

[HT to an unusual source 'round these parts: Cracked.com; I've converted their R-rated version to this PG one for all my sensitive-type readers.]

Grace and Peace,
Raffi



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The Greatest Book Review of All Time

This is an actual review of Rhonda Byrne's mega-best-selling The Secret from Amazon.com's customer reviews page. So powerful, it caused me to immediately run out and buy a dozen copies of the book.

Prepare youself. The tears will stream down your face, and you will never read another book review the same way again...

Please allow me to share with you how "The Secret" changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. It is well known that the premise of "The Secret" is the science of attracting the things in life that you desire and need and in removing from your life those things that you don't want. Before finding this book, I knew nothing of these principles, the process of positive visualization, and had actually engaged in reckless behaviors to the point of endangering my own life and wellbeing.

At age 36, I found myself in a medium security prison serving 3-5 years for destruction of government property and public intoxication. This was stiff punishment for drunkenly defecating in a mailbox but as the judge pointed out, this was my third conviction for the exact same crime. I obviously had an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system, but even more importantly I was ignoring the very fabric of our metaphysical reality and inviting destructive influences into my life.

My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes.

Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I've never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of "The Secret". Normally I wouldn't have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn't have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.

The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the "Law of Attraction" in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasn't exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 "The Secret to Relationships" that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point.

The next day in the exercise yard I carried "The Secret" with me and when Marcus approached me I opened the book and stabbed him in the neck. The next eight weeks in solitary confinement provided ample time to practice positive visualization and the 16 hours per day of absolute darkness made visualization about the only thing that I actually could do. I'm not sure that everybody's life will be changed in such a dramatic way by this book but I'm very thankful to have found it and will continue to recommend it heartily.

Grace and Peace,
Raffi




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The Adventures of ASBO Jesus

Found a really cool new site called The Ongoing Adventures of ASBO Jesus. Christian cartoon satire, a la Dave Walker. For the non-British among you, an ‘ASBO’ is an ‘anti-social behavior order’… the courts in Britain award them to people who are deemed to be constant trouble in their neighborhoods… presumably according to their neighbors.

Here's a sampling:



















Grace and Peace,
Raffi




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I AM, and I Approve This Message



Grace and Peace,
YHWH


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Sarah Palin Baby Movie



Just kidding.

Grace and Peace,
Raffi


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Parables of a Prodigal World by Raffi Shahinian is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.